How Can I Love You?
by Grand Master Shoma
Summary: Poor Steiner! Unlucky in love! With Hilarious results!


How Can I Love You

How Can I Love You?

By "Grand Master Shoma"

I'll be blunt: I do not own these characters, but I own this story. Don't steal it.

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Scene: Sitting on the riverside of Alexandria, we see one Steiner Adelbert just sighing something that he can't shake off.

Steiner: (depressed) *sigh* Why do you refuse me?

Zidane: (observes Steiner depressed on the riverside) *tsk* What a pathetic waste of man.

Steiner: (gets up instantly) Oh dear! I must be getting to my patrol right away!!

Zidane: Love problems, Rusty?

Steiner: (releases it out again) It's eating me up from the inside!!!

Zidane: I figured something was wrong with you. You would **nag** me all the way back to the Tantalus theatre ship whenever I fucked something up. Now look at you. You're a fuckin' pussy!

Steiner: SAY THAT AGAIN!!

Zidane: IS THAT A THREAT?! 

Vivi: Guys? (stares at them innocently) Why are you fighting?

Zidane: Well, it's because Rusty here is gonna have a mid-life crisis!

Steiner: I'm only 35 years of age, and I still can't find anyone good enough to be in my life. (cries) I'm such a loser!!

Vivi: Cheer up, Stein! You'll find that special someone, someday, if you're lucky.

Steiner: (bawls even louder)

Vivi: (feeling guilty) I'm sorry. I didn't mean that!! I'm sorry!

Zidane: Steiner, do want me to help you man? Because, you look disgraceful! God, you're as attractive as Grim Death and twice as horrid!

Steiner: (normal tone) Why are you insulting me? We saved the damn world together, and you're getting me mad!!! Do you want so much of a beating?

Zidane: Yeah, I can handle you with both hands and tail behind my back, my eyes blinded, and my legs frozen in time!

Steiner: Well, COME AND GET IT!!!!

Zidane: OH, YOU WANT ME TO BITCHSLAP YOU, DON'T YA!? 

Vivi: (angry) STOP IT!!!!!!!! (Steiner and Zidane freeze in their actions) Steiner, let Zidane help you already. He probably also knows what he's doing, anyway.

Steiner: How are you so sure about that, Master Vivi?

Vivi: Well... um... Oh! He got Dagger!

Steiner: Hmm... If this is true, will you lend me your assistance?

Zidane: Hey, anything for you, Rusty!

Steiner: Really!? (uncool fratboy tone) Then I am back in da house!!

Zidane: Um... Yeah. We'll work on that later. 

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Thorn: Steiner? In love?

Zorn: Love welcomes Steiner?

Thorn: Who do you think it could be?

(both think)

Thorn: I have heard rumors of Beatrix.

Zorn: Beatrix was all those rumors?

Thorn: That I have heard.

(both think again)

Thorn: We both suck.

Zorn: Suck? Do we?

(both get struck by lightning)

Thorn: Do we race to the infirmary?

Zorn: To the infirmary, we race!

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Zidane: Okay, first, we prep you up.

Steiner: Prep me up?

Zidane: It means to show you the basics of things.

Steiner:^.^ Oh.

Zidane: Okay. The three basic steps to approach a woman are to 'walk the walk', 'talk the talk', and 'get her into bed with you'.

Steiner: I'm following you on everything except the 'walk the walk' part. 

Zidane: We'll start there. First, pretend I'm a woman.

Steiner: . Ah! Nasty!

Zidane: *ahem* Walk to me as if you were trying to hit on me.

Steiner: Alright, I will. (runs in normal armor-clanking position) 

Zidane: Stop, right there. The way you're approaching me, will most likely scare off women, than bringing them closer to you. (gets some lubricant and applies it to Steiner's armor) Now, try walking to me.

Steiner: Okay. (walks in an uncool fratboy walk) How's this?

Zidane: O.Oە No offense, but I think that even a blood-thirsty Behemoth would run away in fear.

Steiner: WAS THAT AN INSULT!?

Zidane: DON'T START WITH ME!!!

Steiner: (stopping each other from killing one another) Let's act more mature here. 

Zidane: You're right, Stein. Now, how to correct your horrible-ass walk is another problem. Just, follow me. (he walks like some type of player) Just like that!

Steiner: That's what I did!! Look. (walking mimics Zidane's) Hey!! I did it!

Zidane: Good job, Rusty!! Next, we shall—

Steiner: (confused) Wait a minute. You mean, that's it? Don't I have to practice my steps and my process?

Zidane: Jesus Christ. You're one of **those** people. Don't be a puss man and let's keep going.

Steiner: (a tone of voice which represents that he'll regret it) I guess. 

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Stiltzkin: (at his little booth) Step right up! Step right up!! Try my magical... um... Tonic!! Yes! This tonic will guarantee eternal happiness just for the low, and I do mean LOW price of just 450 Gil. Not only does this little fucker in a bottle make you eternally gitty and cheerful, it makes you feel better about yourself, and, has been rumored to give you a better sexual relationship! And here's a person whose sex life was changed by this miracle tonic! (points to Amarant) You sir.

Amarant: Damn. (comes up to the stage)

Stiltzkin: (whispers) Just play along. (talks to the crowd) Good sir, did you take this wonderful tonic? 

Amarant: Yes.

Stiltzkin: And uh... How did it work?

Amarant: (in a dull sarcastic tone) It worked so well that I literally shook the inn with my girl, and we were going at it for 3 hours. Count em': 3.

Stiltzkin: (whispers to Amarant) You're not convincing enough.

Amarant: (whispers back) Well, do you think some sucker is gonna fall for—

Mysterious Customer: I'LL TAKE YOUR ENTIRE STOCK!!

Amarant: O.O!?

Stiltzkin: WHOA!! That'll be, for the entire stock, 74,000 Gil!

Crowd boy: Wouldn't it be 35,100 Gil?

Stiltzkin: Um... uh...

Amarant: (outloud) Hey, where's my pay? 

Stiltzkin: You get nothing!!

Amarant: Well, fuck you man! 

Mysterious Customer: I DON'T CARE!! I'LL TAKE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!

Stiltzkin: (takes bag of Gil) Hope you enjoy your magical tonic!

Amarant: Now... (swipes half of the profits) I get my pay!

Stiltzkin: Son of a bitch!

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Steiner: So, I would say to a girl "Hey baby! How're you doin'?" Right?

Zidane: Yeah, but lessen your use of proper tone.

Steiner: My 'proper tone'?

Zidane: Yeah, because you speak too much like a gentleman! Get hip! Be hip!! 

Steiner: But everyone knows that ladies like a gentleman.

Zidane: You gotta be kidding me! That approach of getting a woman was, is, and forever will be, dead. C'mon Rusty, get on the trolley!

Steiner: You know what? FUCK... YOU!!!

Zidane: OH! YOU SO WANT A BITCHSLAPPIN', DON'T YA!? 

Steiner: BRING IT ON!!!

Dagger: (comes out of nowhere) What's going on here, you two!?

Zidane: (comes out of conflict with Steiner) Hey, how's my baby? (he gives her a romantic kiss that seems to last a while)

Steiner: Okay, you can stop anytime you two lovebirds. (separates them) 

Dagger: So, what's going on?

Zidane: Oh, I was just teaching Steiner all of my moves about hitting on girls because he's too nervous to approach Beatrix on his own and that's why he came to me!

Dagger: (stares at him blankly, then starts laughing her ass off) HAHAHA!! You, teaching, that's a gut buster! HAHAHA!! (comes back to a normal) Is gut buster the correct term?

Zidane: (getting cocky) Didn't you not want me to teach a second ago?

Dagger: Fine, I'll just go ask Beatrix.

Steiner: No my queen! No!!! (tackles her to the ground) Please! I beg of you not to do this.

Dagger: Steiner, you should have known I was sarcastic. 

Zidane: *phh* Nuts to this! I'm having a drink at the bar. Later baby! See ya Rusty! (exits courtyard)

Steiner: (starts sulking) I'm such a loser!

Dagger: Oh Steiner, no you're not. Maybe I can help where Zidane horribly failed.

Zidane: (from the deep of the background) HEY! 

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Mogki: Wow, big bro! What lesson are you going to teach me today?

Mogster: Well, pint-size, today—(here we see Thorn and Zorn still charred in lightning making a dash past Qu's Marsh then collapse onto puddles)—we learn how to do life-saving exercises.

Mogki: YAY!

Mogster: (grabs Zorn's head) Here, I will show you how to do CPR, or as many people call it, the 'kiss of life'.

Mogki: Cool!

Zorn: (starts to get out of it) Huh? (realizes) Oh no—

Mogster: Breathe, damn you, breathe! (goes in and out) Out with the bad air! In with the moderately acceptable air! (final breath) He's okay!

Zorn: Damn, what is the problem with you?

Thorn: You, what's with the problem?

Mogki: They speak weird, bro.

Mogster: Yeah, I know.

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Dagger: Now Steiner, are you really that nervous about approaching Beatrix?

Steiner: (shakes head in respect)

Dagger: Hm... This is what you should do. Forget **everything** that Zidane taught you, and just approach her as you already are. Just be yourself.

Steiner: (realizes his mistakes) Of course! I was so blind to believe that petty Jackanape thief! Well, there goes 3000 Gil down the drain.

Dagger: What!?

Steiner: Oh, my queen. It doesn't matter about that now. I thank you for your modest advice.

Dagger: Oh, you're welcome.

Steiner: Now, I am off to conquer my sweet baby!

Dagger: Huh?

Steiner: I'm sorry. That was a little bit of what Zidane taught me.

Dagger: Well, I sure hope you will get her.

Steiner: Damn right! (with that, he left Dagger alone in the courtyard)

Many minutes later...

Steiner: (asks a guard) You, shape up, you lazy bum! 

Guard: Yes sir! (stops for a second) What a minute sir. Why are you really here?

Steiner: (blushing slightly) Do you know where Beatrix is?

Guard: Um, why do you want to know the location of Captain Beatrix?

Steiner: That's is none of your concern! Now, tell me her location, and tuck your shirt in your armor cause that's just disrespectful!

Guard: I saw her at the river near Alexandria. Did you make a mistake on your first sentence? And did you just speak commoner talk?

Steiner: (trying to think of a cover-up) Um... Uh... I SAID STRAIGHTEN UP ALREADY, YOU NINNY!!

Guard: EEP! Yes sir!! (starts running off in distance)

Later...

Steiner: (sees Beatrix off into the horizon next to the river) Now, how do I confront her? Wait! I remember! Follow the queen's advice. Act calm. Be yourself. Tell her how you feel. (starts walking up to her, but when he reaches her, he falls into the river)

Beatrix: Oh! Steiner, are you all right?

Steiner: (unintentionally shakes water all over Beatrix) Yes, I am fine. Beatrix, we need to talk.

Beatrix: What do you mean?

Steiner: Well, we haven't gotten the chance to know each other, as I am the Captain of the Pluto Knights, and you are one of the mighty Holy Knights. (long silence) I'm just going to babbling on and on like this, aren't I? Well, the point I'm getting to is that...

Beatrix: Yes?

Steiner: Beatrix, I love you!

Beatrix: (shocked by the statement) Steiner. I, love you too.

Steiner: Really!? I'm, I'm so happy! I've never been—(Beatrix embraces Steiner with a kiss)

Zidane: (out of the bushes) Alright! I knew you two were gonna score!

Steiner: (super-pissed) You! You ruined the perfect moment! I'm gonna kill you this time!! (starts chasing after Zidane)

Zidane: WAAAAA!!!!!!

And so, it ends.


End file.
